Seven regrets of a Torchwood Opperative
by Time Agent Extrodinare
Summary: I wanted to say sorry. I really did but I couldn't, I wasn't sorry. It was what I had wanted to do and it tore me up that it hurt Ianto.I loved Ianto, Ianto was my protector, my friend, and my fantasy lover all in one adorable welsh package.Janto & IJ/OC
1. Kinsey Edwards

**Firstly I apologize for any spelling errors in this, I wrote it on my phone. This is a short story I've written so that I can finally put mister ianto jones to rest after the tragety that was the children of earth I found myself very unsettled with it and quite sad. Although I am excited to see a season four I am going to miss ianto.**

* * *

Kinsey Edwards

**Torchwood Personnel No. 8907**

**Age of Death: Twenty Five **

**Cause: G. S. W. to the head**

Ten days. It had only been ten days since the Children of Earth. And yet the world had completely gone back to normal, as if the great tragedy that was never happened. As if Ianto Jones never died, Jack Harkness never left, Torchwood never fell, Gwen was never left hopeless and she was never alone. Kinsey Edwards.

She sat alone on her bed for what felt like the hundredth, thousandth, possibly even billionth day but in the slowly moving world of reality it was ten. Ten days of silence. There was not a sound that could be heard in the young twenty five year olds flat and she was truly alone.

The eleventh day there was a gun shot.

It wasn't until the seventeenth day that they found her. Clutched in her bloody hand were the last words Kinsey Edwards ever thought to write down.

_**Ianto Jones,**_

_**I regret never saying goodbye. **_

_**I regret that I ran away because now I am alone. **_

_**I regret not spending more time with you while I could. **_

_**I regret the drugs; I knew you wanted me to stop. **_

_**I regret never saying how sorry I was, even though I wanted to everyday. **_

_**I regret never telling you I loved you. **_

_**I regret ever wishing I was dead because now you are. **_

The rest of Kinsey Edwards 'suicide' note was taken by Torchwood and is kept in the Archives. The team of the original Torchwood, Cardiff lives on now only in her words.


	2. Page One

**Page One**

* * *

_I regret never saying goodbye._

* * *

_The day I left was Canary Warf but of course you already knew that. When they pulled us out of the crumbled building that had once been Torchwood I was in a fit of panic. Nothing made sense. You know how if felt to find out your place of work, your very livelihood had been made through helping to commit mass genocide to any species of alien unfortunate enough to become stranded on Earth._

_I didn't want to have to look back, ever, after having left that place, that was the reason I went to live with my sister in Cardiff, of course little did I know I was marching right into the thick of it once again. I never understood how you ever forgave me for leaving you to deal with Lisa's death and everything else all on your own. You were my best friend and I deserted you._

_I should have been at least told you where I was going so that when we ran into each other it wasn't such a shock._

* * *

I could feel the walls crumbling down around me but at first nothing registered aside from the fact that Ianto was about to be crushed by a large block of cement that was nearly about to fall from the ceiling. "Ianto!" I screamed causing him to snap his head in my direction and then up at the ceiling before running out of the way a fraction of a second before the hard piece of rock crashed to the floor with an ominous bang.

"Where do we go?" I asked hysterically.

"It's going to be okay Kinsey I promise," he replied wrapping his arms around me tightly and kissing my forehead before pressing his cheek to the top of my head as he sobbed.

We had both seen Lisa and knew what had happened to her. Ianto was broken and I knew it but the thought of us even living long enough to make it out of the building was enough to scare me just as equally as the pain I was surely going to endure along with Ianto for months. "Kinsey we have to go this way," he said lacing his fingers with mine and dragging me down a partially collapsed corridor where we narrowly escaped the building before the explosion.

It threw us both into the air breaking the link of our fingers and throwing us in completely different directions I could feel the tears running down my dirtied face just before I flopped onto the hard ground. I could have laid there for hours and would have never known the difference between an hour or a mili second but, when I did finally push myself up onto my elbows to look around the aching had began to set it. Every inch of my body burned from the impact and from the running of the escape. Then if began to dawn on me…Ianto wasn't with me.

After a few tired I dragged myself willfully to my feet and stood wobbly looking around through the still settling smoke and dust in the air squinting to see. "Ianto!" I yelled.

No response.

"Ianto Jones!" I screamed again. "Ianto answer me damn it!"

There was still no response. After hours of searching among the rubble I found myself still alone and empty handed. "Name," said a frightened looking police officer that stood with a clipboard and a very frightened expression on his face.

I just stared at him for a moment before I shook my head and walked away without a word. At least Ianto had lived I thought as I began stuffing my things into a bag later that night.

* * *

**_2007_**

* * *

I was running late to meet my brother in law at the coffee shop when I tripped and Ianto caught me by the arm saving me from falling into the street."You should be a little more careful there miss," said a voice I recognized immediately.

"Ianto?" I asked slightly astounded by the sight of the man I hadn't seen in over two years.

"Kinsey, it's you," he muttered softly as if in awe his tone filled with pain and shock.

At first neither of us spoke, we stayed frozen in that moment; Ianto's arm wrapped snugly around my waist where he had stopped me from falling and my eyes fixed in bewilderment on his handsome face. "You left after Canary Warf…I tried to call you…I went to your house but, you weren't there…I…I was worried about you Kinsey," Ianto said finally breaking the silence of our little bubble as his hands slowly slid off of my waist and he stepped away.

"I know," I mumbled.

"This is where you came?" he asked.

"Been free loading off my sister for the past two years, yeah," I muttered some what shamefully.

"Looking for a job?" he asked.

"Always am," I replied biting my lip to stop the small smile that was creeping onto my face at the thought of working with Ianto again. "Can't really go back to normal life after Torchwood."

"I'm working at a new Torchwood run by this guy called Jack Harkness," Ianto began. "We could always use a mechanic and our last one is recently deceased."

Flashes of the horrible events I had seen at Torchwood, London and the terrible things that they had been doing to and with the aliens that they held captive there. Then the explosions, Ianto's fingers being ripped from mine by the blast, everything coming down around us, the fear of being crushed, trying to dig through the rubble to find Ianto, fearing him to be dead and that she ought to be looking for a body not a person anymore in the rubble. "No, Ianto I can't do that again. Torchwood ruined my life," I said firmly.

"Mine as well. That's what Torchwood does, it ruins your life but, you said it yourself you can't very well do any other job after you've been in Torchwood. But we're different Kinsey; we're actually doing good now. There's only five of us on the team," Ianto said.

"I don't know," I began anxiously and slightly unnerved. Unnerved that this man that I had wronged so much was so willing, eager even, to accept me back into his life like we'd just had tea together yesterday and nothing had changed. "I missed having you around," Ianto admitted smiling sadly at me.

"And Lisa?" I asked cautiously.

"Gone," he said slightly stiffly. "She was gone as soon as that thing attached itself to her."

I said nothing just simply wrapped my arms around him, "If you're sure you still want me."

"I'm sure," he replied kissing the top of my head and gingerly stroking my hair.


	3. Page Two

**a/n: Another chapter of my mini Ianto tribute :) a sorry i didn't gte the chance to update it sooner. My computer decided to fry itself yesterday and I'm pretty sure I have some type of computer killing virus . nobody will ever be using my computers again. Anyway review and keep reading ^_^

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Seven Regrets of A Torchwood Operative**

**Page Two**

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_I regret running away because now I am alone_

* * *

I stood next to Ianto in Jack Harkness's office as he stared at us as he seemed to mentally scrutinize the situation. "And your name is Kinsey Edwards?" Jack asked arching his eyebrow at me.

"That would be me," I replied dryly.

"And where've you been the last two years? You were on the list of dead or missing victims of Canary Wharf," Jack said.

"I ran. I was with my sister and her husband where they live down in Splot for the past two years," I said.

"Don't assail her Jack; Kinsey could very easily become an asset to our team," Ianto said frowning at Jack slightly.

"I think not throwing out the idea straight away is very benevolent of me. We're fully staffed, while having a mechanic would be nice I am not prepared to take anyone else on full time at the moment or in the near future," Jack said with a tone of finality.

"Whatever you say sir," Ianto said adding a histrionic tone to the last word.

Jack sat there for a moment staring between the two of us looking thoroughly exasperated with us both. Just as he opened his mouth to speak I had already began," It's okay Captain Harkness I understand. Ianto simply suggested it and it had been quite some time since we have seen each other. I do not wish you to feel obligated." Frustration colored his face at my words and after a moment he sighed," Well I suppose we could take you on as a part time agent…like Ianto said we can always use a great mechanic. We'll see how it is from there okay? Go see Gwen she'll get everything set up for you."

"Thank you Captain Harkness," I said smiling softly at him. "I appreciate this."

"Please Kinsey, call me Jack," he said throwing me an award winning smile as I walked out the door.

_I thought I had my Ianto back at first but time was not kind in its didactiveness of proving to me how very wrong I was. Ianto's heart would never be mine again._

Gwen and I sat on the worn couch together eating some take away pizza while Owen did an autopsy and Tosh finished a report on the day's work. "So you and Ianto worked together?" Gwen asked politely.

"Yeah, we'd known each other at college and uni, I was the one who got Ianto his 1st job at Torchwood one London," I said smiling fondly at the memory of Ianto and me working together hopelessly oblivious to the horrible inner workings at Torchwood One.

"How long did you two work there together?" Gwen asked interestedly.

"Well I worked there straight away from when I got out of college until the tragedy of Canary Wharf…Ianto I think would have been there probably about two years by then," I said absently as I tried to keep the memories of the final days at Torchwood One, London at bay from entering my thoughts. It had been a long time since I had even had thought about Torchwood and even longer since I had shut Ianto out of my thoughts, if I hadn't run into him on the street that day I probably would have never spoke of him again. Not that with the life choices I was making I was going to be around for much longer anyway, I thought bitterly.

"I assume you know Jack well enough then," Gwen commented.

"Erm, no I've never even met the man before in my life," I said eyebrows pulling together in confusion. "Why would you say that?"

"Oh I…I just tho-"she stopped mid sentence her eyes slowly went up towards the window to Jack's office a slight hint of pity on her face.

Frowning in annoyance I turned in my chair to look in the direction of Jack's office setting me own piece of pizza down and following Gwen's gaze to the window. If I hadn't put my slice of pizza down I would have most defiantly dropped it at the sight I had then beheld. Ianto stood with his back to us and Jack's arms were wound passionately into his hair and it was painfully obvious what the two men were doing. Jack's eyes suddenly snapped open and his gaze locked with mine. The words he obviously didn't plan to say to me were obviously displayed in his eyes as his gaze bored into my own. Everything about him said stay away from Ianto. At that moment I was sure I was never going to have Ianto Jones to myself ever again.


	4. Page Three

**a/n: so this just happens to be an espically angsty chapter...how do you think I did on communicating the way Kinsye was feeling and all? And can you tell that Ianto really does care for her as more than just his friend? That's what I've been going for but I wasn't sure if it was really coming out that way...let me know :)**

**and keep reading ;D**

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Seven Regrets of A Torchwood Operative

**Page Three**

* * *

_I regret not spending more time with you while I still could._

* * *

_In all my years of knowing Ianto Jones he was the only person I knew to depend on. Through our first few years of being friends, while we were in college together, we weren't particularly close and Ianto was simply a mate I knew to call if I couldn't drive myself home from wherever I happened to be stranded at. He never seemed to mind and was always genuinely worried about me and that I found endearing as well as refreshing in comparison to the others I hung around._

_Even once we were at Torchwood together I followed my own selfish habits just the same thought I knew I shouldn't do. And Ianto always looked out for me even though he had Lisa. It was never me, he was going to love although I was perpetually and irrevocably enamored with this sweet and handsome man. The man who cared for and about me even though others did not; I thought I could deal with just friends. I still wish I hadn't been so reckless and had cherished our friendship from the beginning then it might have been more._

* * *

I sat alone on the front stoop of my so called friend's flat with my coat wrapped tightly around my shivering body. It was a particularly cold night even for January and I knew I ought to be inside but, I couldn't go back in there. The thought of Mikey made my stomach churn and the hair on the back of my neck raise. Never in my life had I thought he was the sort to do something like that to someone, especially someone he would dare to call his friend. A few tears began to trail down my cheeks at the thought of him ever even touching me again. All I wanted to do was party. I was a partying sort of girl; which meant no commitment. I had only one exception and he was engaged, otherwise I didn't do relationships and Mikey knew that. I simply wished I never had to find out the real thing he had wanted from me wasn't a relationship. My skin still felt dirty from his touch and I didn't quite feel at home in my own body, I felt disgusting. My fingers clenched involuntarily around the hem of my dress at the thought and a whole new batch of tears began to spill down my cheeks.

Then thankfully I was broken from my own musings by the brights of someone's headlights on a car coming down the street and my head snapped up to check what kind. By the time my eyes adjusted to the darkness again the driver had parked and was in the process of getting out of the car when I noticed it was indeed Ianto and his silver min cooper. "Kinsey?" Ianto asked as he made his way down the front walk and up to where I sat shivering and alone.

Hastily I rubbed the tears and smeared make up from my eyes and pulled myself to my feet making my way down the walk to meet him before he reached the flat building. "Hey," I said though the word came out more hoarse than it normally would have done even if it had been a particularly wild night.

"Are you alright? You sounded quite shaken when you called me," he said sounding worried as he encircled me in his warm embrace. "Gosh, Kinsey you're freezing! How long have you been out here?"

""No, but thanks Yan. I'm fine," I lied easily. I couldn't tell him the horrible thing Mikey had done to me, he would never see me as the same girl after that. And the thought of ever having Ianto's pity versus his worry angered me.

"That's good, you sound sobered up now," he commented dryly, as I pressed my face against his warm chest, though I knew the question that was behind the otherwise simple comment.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't ask Mikey to drive me home," I said softly as guilt raked through me and I noticed he'd simply thrown on his jacket over his pajamas. "I didn't mean to worry you. I know how Lisa feels about our friendship and you going out to get me in the dead of night….," I muttered trailing off as Ianto rubbed my back in a caring gesture and we began to walk back to his car.

"Don't worry about Lisa," he replied opening my door for me. "She'll understand. It's not Lisa I'm worried about anyway right now. I'm worried about my best friend getting home alright."

"Thanks Yan, you're the best," I muttered shamefully.

"Best taxi boy you'll ever meet," he joked grinning at me, though inside I knew it wasn't just a joke, it was true.

"You're not a taxi boy," I replied firmly more to myself than to him.

"Kinsey, really I've told you what seems like a million times, I don't mind," he said with a shrug as he started up the car and started to drive." "As long as you're all right."

"Ianto we should go out to dinner tomorrow," I said trying to steer the subject away from Ianto's driving me home all the time.

"Sure, when?" he said smiling at me understandingly.

"Seven, I'll pick you up from work. No drugs, no booze, and most importantly no taxi boy –cause I'M driving-, just two fantastic mates having a nice night out," I said smiling at him.

"Deal, keep yourself safe for me until then," he said kissing my cheek as the car stopped in front of my flat.

"See you Yan," I said beaming at him.

* * *

_I didn't pick Ianto up at seven the next night. I didn't even have the sense to call, by the time I remembered to call it was the next morning and I was panicked in an attempting to dress for work so I'd be in on time. I had been lying passed out on my own bed with my bong, weed and an assortment of lighters lying out scattered on my bedroom floor. It wasn't the first time I'd followed this exact routine either, I stood my best friend up many a time. _

_But like the excessively forgiving man Ianto was he did just that; he forgave me instantly when he saw I was completely intact. I should have been with him and not in my flat smoking pot._


	5. Page Four

**a/n: i apologize thoroughly for the wait! but thanks for being paticent :) and for reviewing for those who did

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Page Four

* * *

Seven Regrets of a Torchwood Operative

_**I regret the drugs, I knew you wanted me to stop.**_

* * *

I had changed after Canary Wharf, we both had, but when Ianto and I were working together again at Torchwood three, Cardiff things seemed to fall slowly back into place and our friendship was one of those things. Even though I knew deep down that I was infinitely jealous of Jack, I never said anything. Ianto had Jack and he seemed to be happy enough. I had myself and my addictions to cope with, I was an independent person.

After Canary Wharf I didn't go out anymore, I was a proper anit-social, a hermit even. All I had done for such a long time was drink, smoke and read. Now I had Torchwood as well but it was just my job. It didn't give me the push to change. I didn't have one anymore as long as Ianto was happy with Jack, I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel the jealousy of Jack and the hurt of having done this to myself by leaving. I preferred being numb and unfeeling.

* * *

I had been working at Torchwood for a few months now and had finally just moved out of my sister's house and was finally that fully independent person I pictured myself as. I was starting to feel like things were finally going well for me and that none of them would ever have to know about what I did when I wasn't at the Hub working. "Owen, is Ianto in yet?" I asked sitting myself down leisurely on the autopsy table and crossing my legs at the ankle.

"I don't know, probably, I'm not his keeper," Owen quipped at me playfully.

"And here I was thinking you might have some level of interest I people other than yourself," I shot back sarcastically.

"Are we still on for drinks tonight?" Owen asked turning to face me a slightly sly grin on his youthful face.

For a fraction of a second I hesitated before plastering my well practiced fake smile on my face and replying. "But of course we are! As long as the rift permits, of course," I said; absently wondering why I had accepted the invitation in the 1st place. I never hung out with the team outside of work and I liked it that way; save for Ianto I'd go out of my way to see him any day. I'd always make an exception for him.

"Great," Owen said grinning at me. "Be ready to get your arse kicked in pool."

"Oh, I'll hold ya to is so when I beat you it stings," I called over my shoulder laughing hollowly as I made my way to my own work station.

I sat at my work station for a few moments simply staring at the screen trying to clear my head of the haze that had began to set in again. Vaguely I heard Ianto a little ways off talking to Owen or maybe Gwen but I was too focused on the residual tingly feeling that had taken up residence in my finger tips; a left over effect from the pot I'd been smoking for the most part of the night. So focused on it in fact that I didn't notice Ianto standing behind me and actually speaking to me as well until, he put his hand on my shoulder brushing my hair away gingerly.

I jumped in reaction to the sudden sensation of tingling that followed his touch instantly. "Kinsey," Ianto said, an unsure smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he looked down at me.

"Morning, Yan how're you today?" I replied as chipperly as I was able to muster.

By the expression on his face he was obviously not buying any of it, I was sure that he could see right through me to the shivering and afraid little girl that lie underneath the smile and flippant comments. Ianto had always been able to read me perfectly, from the very start. It had creeped me out at first but now I just knew better than to attempt lying to him. He'd probably known I was still doing drugs from the first moment he had seen me in fact I wondered if he had finally come to his breaking point and he was going to have a go at me in the middle of the Hub in front of everybody. No, I told myself no matter how upset with me Ianto was he would never have a public row with me no matter what the topic; especially if it involved such a personal issue as my addictions.

"Erm, Kinsey do you mind if I have a word in the archives?" he asked calmly but I could feel exactly where this was going and I didn't like it. Although I had no immediate means of evading the situation it was simply better to be compliant and agreeable…maybe he wouldn't be as angry then I hoped absently in vain.

I sighed after a moment and gave him a resigned look before nodding curtly and following him down to the archives.

* * *

We arrived in the archives and for what felt like forever both of us simply just stood there staring at the other waiting for someone to speak but it defiantly wasn't going to be me, especially if this was about what I was over one hundred percent sure it was about. "I guess I'll start then," Ianto relented finally with a deep sigh his loving cloudy blue grey eyes bore into my instilling years and years worth of guilt my parents had never been able to manage to impress upon me during my teen years when this had all started.

I wanted to say sorry. I really did but I couldn't, I wasn't sorry. It was what I had wanted to do and it tore me up that it hurt Ianto. I loved Ianto, Ianto was my protector, my friend, and my fantasy lover all in one adorable welsh package.

Ianto breathed another deep and pulled something out of his pocket and held it out to me. At first I didn't recognize him but after a split second the guilt was probably more than visually apparent on my face as my eyes flickered from the object in his hand to his face. "It was an accident-"I began.

"I'm sure it was Kinsey," Ianto muttered bitterness in his words biting my conscience in the arse. "Thing is, Jack isn't like the people at Torchwood One, London. If he were to find out he would not tolerate it. Jack would send you to rehab and you would not be allowed to work until you were six months clean at least. I can't bear the thought of losing you again so I'm warning you that if this doesn't stop then I will tell Jack."

"Yes, Ianto," I muttered shamefully but really what I meant was I'd be less careless and never be stupid enough to smoke in or within a ten minute walking radius of the Hub ever again.

"You know I love you right Kinsey?" he asked wrapping his arms around me caringly obviously feeling a little bit better at having my word.

"Of course I do Ianto," I said pulling away after a moment and kissing his cheek for perhaps a fraction of a second longer than would be considered a friendly kiss on the cheek but, Ianto didn't seem to notice.

"You should get to work, Jack's going to want that report you didn't finish the other day as soon as he gets back," Ianto warned.

"Damn that man hounds us like dogs but yet he never gets his own reports finished," I joked.

"That's just Jack," Ianto said a small almost guilty smile broke out across his lips at the mention of his lover.

"It is just Jack," I murmured to myself.


End file.
